Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop

   I find it hard to sing the Beach Boys without using my "girl" voice.

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

   Dear Dominos Pizza, gotta question. After I rate your food directly on the box do you review the results from my garbage can?

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that gambling or prostitution?

   The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (

   was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   My wife: you wanna watch Glee? Me: you know, I'd love to but I was gonna drink battery acid and teabag a poison ivy bush..

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. 14 mosquitos likes this

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   My name is shower. If you turn me on, i'll make you wet ;)

   Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.

   Was anyone else hoping that the final Oprah show would include wearing tracksuits, taking poison and waiting for the mother ship to appear?

   This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   Wat if I were Nike n You were McDonalds?? Obviously, I'd be 'Doing It' n You'd be 'Lovin It'..

   If a b!tch is two faced; Does that mean I have the right to smack the hell outta her twice?!

   I just finished running 5 miles. Just fu@king with you. I'm eating a bacon and sour cream pizza.

   Hygiene Tips: 1.Don't 2.Smell 3.Like 4.Sh!t

   I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text