Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.

   Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

   I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.

   Not that we're getting a lot of rain...but the fish are even complaining now.

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   the elevator to success is out of order please use the stairs, one step at a time

   My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

   Before sending a text to someone who I barely know I check over it a couple times Because I don't want them to think I'm weird

   Can you imagine how much more work women could do Around the house with 4 arms..

   How the hell do Edward Scissorhands And Freddy Kruger wipe their a@@?

   All you need is a good attitude...... and a little glitter!!! (~.~)

   The problems with heroes is that most of them are buried too soon befor they have a chance to become old men.

   The only friends you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. I guess it's just sometimes we expect more from our friends because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

   If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)

   Couldn't afford the penile enlargement but got a great deal on hand reduction!

   Loves getting brain so much I should be a zombie!!

   I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"