Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   moving to Sweden where all the guys are smart enough to realize brunettes are way hotter than blondes

   I feel like standing across the street facing a nursing home in a grim reaper costume and waving at all the old people I see...

   What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

   I never knew that "never odd or even" is "never odd or even" spelt backwards!

   The Bible teaches you to love - and the Kamasutra explains how

   A second chance doesn't mean anything if you haven't learned from your first mistake.

   u have twitter?-yes- facebook? -yes- tumblr? -yes- blog?-of course- life? I opened an account but I don't really use it!.

   Girl on Facebook statues : I want a guy that actually give a s**t about me. Guy on comment : I thought about you while I was taking s**t .. does that count ?

   Lazy Rules #1:The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV.

   My curfew was lightning bugs. My parents didn't call my cell, they yelled my name. I played outside with friends, not online. If I didn't eat what mom cooked, then I didn't eat. Sanitizer didn't exist,but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap. I r

   Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

   I'm giving up on the silent treatment. Going to start talking to myself again.

   For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything.

   excuse me ma'am, how many ping pong balls can you fit in your mouth?

   Hitting the LIKE button on your own Facebook status is like sending a text message to yourself then replying.

   Some people have to realize that not everyone was made with a good singing voice...if they were, life would just be one big musical.

   In this kind of weather I expected to see more boobs hanging out.

   BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Weiner has apologized to Paul Revere.

   Remove the vowels from FEMALE.