Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   Everyone is fighting their own battle, to be free from their past, to live in their present and to create their future

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?"

   My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader. I think that was true right up until the advent of Twitter."

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."

   For the first hour of work, I've entertained myself by watching my eye worms. I hate when you go to look at them and they run away! Them lil B@stards are quick!

   Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.

   have you seen the new Hippie doll? wind it up and it doesn't work.

   It's gonna be a scorcher..... so I want to be clear here.....SAY NO to sandals and socks....... you have been warned !!!!!

   That Wiener story just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

   its all shyts and giggles until someone shyts and giggles!!

   I understand the nature of humans, so don't bother me with your pedestrian level of intellect......

   When will women ever learn? Never post pictures of yourself and your hotter friend posing together. Especially when she has bigger boobs than you. It will only make you invisible and insignificant.

   The "problems" in your life can't be that bad if you can update a facebook status... How bad can life be if you have internet access or a cell phone with a data plan.

   Teiam, the I is silent. There you go!