Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   Restless leg syndrome. A syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than calling it wiggly bouncy legs.

   Last week, a lady in China had a baby with three arms. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they? He's probably making shoes and toys right now as I type this.

   I don't blame Mexicans for boarder hopping. We did something subliminally messed up to them. When we were creating our country, just above Mexico, we created a state called New Mexico. Now what Mexican wouldn't want to check that out?

   Be nice to your parents, because your dad could have shot you into a tissue or your mum could have swallowed you.

   Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us

   I just don't think this wiener thing is going to stand up in court.

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   don't you wish that cold a@@ Coors train was running through your neighborhood today?" Hell yeah. RIGHT NOW!

   Congressman Weiner gives new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.

   How do people who are housebound obese not see that coming? You're gradually getting fatter. It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up. If you're walking out of your house sideways because you're too fat, make a mental note.

   I just don't know if women like me. I know when they don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

   Here is something that nobody ever mentions about Obama, he is also half-white. If you don't believe that Barack Obama is half-white, YouTube him dancing on 'Ellen.'

   "I have PMS with GPS, which means I am a b!tch and I will find you!"

   Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend

   Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"