Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

   I got mood poisoning, must have been something I hate.

   Ladies, love your man like them bi!ches in your head do.

   Girls can’t find their hair ties but can remember what you said 7 months ago at 6:40pm.

   I’m not a biologist, but I know what a woman is.

   Fact checkers: He didn’t say that, and if he did he didn’t mean it, and if he did you don’t understand it, and if you did it’s not a big deal, and if it is, it’s taken out of context, at least mean orange man gone.

   Justice Thomas to the Media: “I will absolutely leave the Court when I do my job as poorly as you do yours.”

   Yeah drugs are cool, but have you ever had ice water at 2:00am?

   Hold fast friends, the developmentally challenged cream puff would like to submit another unintelligible contribution.

   From now on, I’m telling prospective employers that I was the General Manager at Toy’s-R-Us. Who tf they gonna call?

   How can you stand for woman’s rights while allowing men to dominate woman’s sports?

   Keep your relationship private so you can have two.

   Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

   My uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours.

   They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

   Mike who cheese Harry

   Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

   Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.