Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From now on, I’m telling prospective employers that I was the General Manager at Toy’s-R-Us. Who tf they gonna call?

   How can you stand for woman’s rights while allowing men to dominate woman’s sports?

   Keep your relationship private so you can have two.

   Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

   My uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours.

   They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

   Mike who cheese Harry

   Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

   Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

   It’s impossible to plug in my genderless extension cord.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.