Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!

   Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   would like to fill a Pinata full of puke and break it over the collective heads of the Jonas Brothers

   Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. "Weiner-Holder in 2012."

   I hate when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party damnit. I told you my dog is getting married... Geesch~

   It's Facebook that made me realize that I 'Like' so many things.

   Thinking of moving to Ohio because of ease of spelling the state. Only three letters to remember.

   Hall way monitors at school..was bad enough..now we have to work these people...sheeesh.!!!!!

   Why didn't Lebron James go to college? Because he didn't want to show up for the finals.

   If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"

   The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at by the wife so you just stand their and pet the dog.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.