Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I have been thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little baby spoons and then I got to wondering...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   [seen above a urinal] Your child's future is in your hands.

   I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.

   Friends: Just because I ask you to go somewhere or do something doesn't mean I'm offering to pay your share of it.

   Well Doc , there I was sitting on the crapper with nothing to read and then I spotted my wife's wax . The rest of the story speaks for itself .

   Having a girlfriend who speaks a foreign language you dont understand can be tricky. She could receive a call from her secret lover and talk to him right in your face and you would never have a clue.

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.

   Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

   If you don't like the way I think, simple Unfriend me, as my day, life, won't stop because of it.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   This is not the status message that you are looking for. Move along.

   Jeeziz. Three hours sleep. Where's Casey Anthony with the chloroform when you need her?

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   Ladies, If you get to a point in a relationship where you have to clamp your legs shut to get him to behave the way you want him to, the relationship is already over!

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!