Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the way everything you do is connecting to facebook, I look for bank accounts to get connected one day & the bank teller will say "that check bounced but we see ur friends with this person who looks rich...ask them to borrow some"

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   Dumb is the new smart...

   "Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people

   I laugh every time I hear the phrase "Career Driven"

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent those "late night texts" that I always regret in the morning.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   I don't know how to break this to you... I will be as gentle as possible... *smiles lovingly*... but today isn't Friday yet either...

   A memory of grade school math just popped into my head. The images I associated with the alligator eating the larger numbers still haunt me!

   Birds eye have recalled all there fish products as the contain traces of sea horse...

   why do ppl say they are "under the weather"?....unless ur an astronaut, were all under the weather

   Just heard a guy spent his whole $1000 tax return at the strip club in 1 night. Why do I always miss the cool parties?

   It’s always difficult to maintain that air of manliness when it comes to the ‘sucking her nipples' part

   I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!

   only Washington can call a decrease in the increase a budget cut...

   I have never prayed so hard in my life that the new Pope that walks out onto that balcony is Dennis Rodman.

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   I have a crystal ball and when I sit down I do it very carefully.

   I think I'm emotionally constipated cuz I haven't been given a SHhhhit in days!