Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   "What difference – at this point, what difference does it make?" ------------ Melania Trump's testimony at the Benghazi Hearings on May 8, 2013

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   My drunk Uncle Jerry was runner up for Trump's new campaign manager.

   so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.

   Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.

   I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove I had purchased a donut.

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Who is gonna clean the wall after it's built?

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   Trump's healthcare defence is similar to his "grab them by the P" defence. Bill said much worse than I did. Their plan is much worse than my plan. I believe that is known as the loser's limp reaction.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.