Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.

   My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.

   When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.