Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someday I hope to solve one of the great mysteries of life, like where do socks go when you put them into the dryer?

   rumors ? oh wellll ; at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   People who dream big sleep a lot.

   No one can change a person, but someone can be a person`s reason to change

   Apparently you shouldn't ever answer a girl's text message with “k.” Bad idea.

   Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

   Life is tough; it's even tougher when you're stupid.~~John Wayne

   You ever start to turn numb because you have your AC turned up on max, but you don't want to turn it down because it's 110 deg outside?

   Facebook Friends = 427 Friends When I have To Move = 0

   Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. Do your job.

   We tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is it's not our loss, it's theirs. They left the one person in the world who would never give up on them.

   Instead of "single" as a marital status, they should put "independently owned and operated "

   What do you call a guy who thinks women belong in the kitchen? Single.

   still very much single! So is now taking applications if you think your suitable for the position apply here the pay is terrible but the benefits are great...

   No Ma'am. I did NOT say your child is ugly. All I said was that I would fear for my life if he were ever to get wet… or eat after midnight. I'm sure you won't have to worry about pedophiles either.

   Happy Friday!! And to all my Atheist and Agnostic friends out there... T_IF!!

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your pin codes and passwords.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.