Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.

   Hey everybody, Dont forget before its too late, its a good time to hide some leftover fireworks under some ashes in your friends fireplace

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   Weird how all the Olympians are really in shape.

   And in other news… Trump’s design of the wall separating Mexico from USA has been changed and will no longer use thick glass panes for the wall outer surfaces.

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Hey, Happy Birthday! Pick one - the past or the future. Cause I didnt get you a present.

   Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.

   I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.

   Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....

   FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....