Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   photo albums become less interesting when all the hot chicks know how to use privacy settings :P

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   Spell "IHOP" and say "ness" at the end

   A little girl walk pass her parents room, look in the key hole & says to her self "AND THIS BTCH GETS MAD BECAUSE I SUCK MY THUMB.!

   called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   God made your butt Crack up and down because if it were sideways when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   You are like Monday...nobody likes you!

   Ladies, please for god's sake, there is a big difference between your diary entries and Facebook status updates. We really dont need to be informed about your period, your abortions or that STD you caught over the weekend. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   60% of women carry condoms. The other 40% carry babies.

   Don't confuse Facebook with your diary. We really don't need to know some of your personal sh*t.

   My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.