Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Redneck Children Stories: The Lion, The Witch, and the Civil War Re-enactors.

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   even the digital Pokemon in my office can tell that the speech was plagiarized.

   A man at the airport bar is now criticizing "the lamestream media" for "liberal" reporting and "spelling 'speech' without the A".

   Major League Baseball games will soon be aired on Twitter. Tampa Bay Rays games, however, will be relegated to MySpace.

   My least favorite animal is the one that’s attacking me.

   Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.

   A woman would always comment LAMO on my posts. I finally said, "It's LMAO." She goes, "No, I mean LAMO, as in, "Your jokes are Lame-o!" (Okay, I made that up but let's face it, my jokes are so dry I have to serve water with them.)

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.

   Hey everybody, Dont forget before its too late, its a good time to hide some leftover fireworks under some ashes in your friends fireplace

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   Weird how all the Olympians are really in shape.

   And in other news… Trump’s design of the wall separating Mexico from USA has been changed and will no longer use thick glass panes for the wall outer surfaces.

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.