Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   ran 2.7 miles today. apparently the ice cream truck doesnt have rear view mirrors.

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

   Will somebody let me borrow their Delorean to travel to friday already!

   if there was a more adult way to say "extra chocolate" I would enjoy more shakes in my life.

   If you're cooking alphabet soup on the stove and leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   I always say the things better left unsaid.

   Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

   Monday, quit being such a ba$+ard.

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.

   A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.

   I would shoot you, but why end your misery.

   This year I broke ties with Winter, She was pretty mad and told Summer about me. So our relationship has benn stormy and a little chilly at times.

   Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else.