Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.

   A mans apology after he argues with his woman is "you want something from the store?" or " are you hungry?"

   Yeah I would delete all the irrelevant sh*t so that my readers would not have to be exposed to it.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   I can't wait for all the life long residents in NY to see snow for the first time.

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   today was a female canine kind of a day!

   sometimes I think love is like bigfoot......other people claim they have seen it & experienced it but I don't think I ever will

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.

   If you're not having a blast, you're doing life wrong.