Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.

   Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.

   Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?

   I'm tired of forced interactions and unnecessary communications, just saying!

   Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   Interesting Fact: People who say "Suck my genitals".....95% women and 5% men.

   Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?

   A doggy day care but for humans.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.