Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a BJ.

   did you hear about that kid napping? yeah the poor kid just woke up..

   the best times to have a breakup...christmas, valentines and her birthday

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.

   to the one asking us to learn the effing language, we are bilingual, how about you? jealous perhaps?? :D

   We live in America where a girl threw flour on Kim Kardashian and was arrested on site. But the man who killed Trayvon Martin is still free.

   What goes "mhau namih uh bah booh"? A deaf woman when your standing on her foot apparently.

   was in Wal-mart today. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.

   What kind of president would Donald Trump be? A combination of George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bernie Madoff.

   never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead hooker.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   If Glenn Beck runs for President, I want to see a birth certificate proving he was born on this planet.

   Obamacare: Just another government handout; this time forcing the funding by tax payers through the threat of penalties for non-compliance.

   being chased by a hungry pack of wild poodles!

   Sometimes people act like the US isn't the only country in the whole world.

   I'm HUGE in Japan...

   Just on the news... boni blue world surfing championships in Australia has just been won by an unknown Japanese man on a fridge!!

   Me to husband: To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume we got for Halloween.

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a $100,000 trip for my birthday... btw, your welcomed Obama for your birthday trip.

   I want to become a receptionist so I can say "Your son Rip is on line toot"