Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   A mans apology after he argues with his woman is "you want something from the store?" or " are you hungry?"

   Yeah I would delete all the irrelevant sh*t so that my readers would not have to be exposed to it.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   I can't wait for all the life long residents in NY to see snow for the first time.

   wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.

   I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.

   Most people on their 16th Birthday get a car, I got an inflatable dinosaur costume and not gonna lie, I'm in love.

   Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?

   I'm tired of forced interactions and unnecessary communications, just saying!

   Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   Interesting Fact: People who say "Suck my genitals".....95% women and 5% men.

   Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   A doggy day care but for humans.