Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate YHGTBFKM mornings. That's when you wake up, look at your alarm clock, and say "You have got to be f&$king kidding me".

   disappointed to hear that farts do not have lumps as it means I've dirtied my pants

   things you would say to your computer but not to your girlfriend ? - next year I'm getting a new model ..

   I have 100 tabs open on my internet browser and I can't figure out which one the sound is coming from.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...

   Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   I will be honest with you, when it comes to women, you are part of my "Quantity Over Quality" phase.

   "getlost@youLoser.com" seems like a strange email address, are you sure you wrote it down correctly??

   When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute!!

   Kegel exercises ladies...Lets begin! and I and a 2 and a 3. :)

   Kanye West leaned back in his chair, stroking his Persian cat. His scheme to become the biggest douche in the world was coming to fruition.

   Your life would be sweeter if you spent more time around those impressed by you, not those you have to impress.

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my teenagerhood was filling my Dad's Vodka/Whiskey bottle with Water/Apple juice..

   Bill and Ted wrote the best bible when they said "Be excellent to each other". no other commandments or words of wisdom needed.

   As I get older my fantasy hasn't changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is......one cooking and one cleaning.

   - Xbox and nintendo wii are both white and none of my credit card details were stolen by those. The ps3 on the other hand......