Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Little known fact… NASA put a man on the moon with less computer memory than you use when taking a picture on your iPhone.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   Maybe you should eat that makeup, so you can be damn pretty on the inside.

   My Life These Days is Very Simple...Eat, Sleep, Change Facebook Status...Never Better...

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."

   Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of !!!

   A new Psychology study reveals that 1 out of every 100 black midgets don't know what Willis is talking about!!

   I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own

   NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.