Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   Walmart: Because going to Target requires a shower

   Go hang a salami and I'm a lasagna hog are the same backwards.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

   Just crossed over into the Friend Zone.

   ♫Highway to the Friend Zone....Ride into the Friend Zone♫

   One of my greatest joys in life is when I've found an old friend on facebook......And they've gotten fat!! lol #iwentthere

   That awesome moment when you notce you are much better looking than the idiot she is currently with. :0)

   things I learned from frank sinatra 1. a lady never leaves her escort and 2. a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guys dice.

   Now Charlie Sheen says he used steroids while filming "Major Leagues". So what now, do we take championship away from Cleveland? Do we put an asterisk next to the movie title? Should we remove all DVD's from the shelves and burn them?? Damn you Sheen!!

   If you are that a$$hole that honks the second the light turns green , I'm the sumb1tch that will sit there and update my Facebook.

   Benefits of eating dinner while the TV is off: 1. Hearing everyone chew. 2 Hearing the repressed burps, 3, Hearing the "silent" burps.

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Little known fact… NASA put a man on the moon with less computer memory than you use when taking a picture on your iPhone.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   Maybe you should eat that makeup, so you can be damn pretty on the inside.

   My Life These Days is Very Simple...Eat, Sleep, Change Facebook Status...Never Better...

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."