Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe.

   Every time I drink a beer It makes your lazy eye disappear Every time I do a shot I think you're hot, but I know you're not, i'm just trying to drink you pretty!

   if I ever see an amputee getting hanged, I will just start calling out letters

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars.Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

   When you believe in success, you've already succeeded...

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like a hand job

   I was thinking about stripping.. but in my condition..I dont think any club have a ramp to get my a$$ up on stage and reinforced titanium poles

   Why hasn't the NAACP changed it's name to NAAAA?

   If people winked and "laughed out loud" in real life half as much as they did when they were texting the world would be a very creepy place ;) lol

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   Should I be more grossed out that I found my friends vibrator in her kitchen or by the amount of cat hair that was on it?

   I suck at making bucket lists. Mine just says "Dog milk".

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   Coffee and cigarettes, best thing in the world.

   Going to drink straight from the carton because I'm a badass!

   I hate the feel of wrinkly hands in the bath. Grandad's pretty persistent though.

   If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew at Edwards Air Force Base to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands