Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   Broken pencils are pointless.

   Egyptian babies didn’t know that one day their daddy would be a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians.

   Day 1152 without you: I tried kissing my own neck last night.

   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   Anyone that tells you money can’t buy happiness, doesn’t know where to shop.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   They should have a restaurant where you can lay down.

   The Poet: Why do you write? he asked. So, I can take my love for you and give it to the world, I reply. Because you won’t take it from me.

   You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

   I wonder if we’ll be getting a photo of the person whose student loan we’re paying off?

   2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?

   I like my coffee how I like my magic.

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   The first five days after the weekend are always hard.

   Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

   It’s nice outside, I think I’ll go sit on the patio. (1207 mosquitos like this)

   Monkeypox is pronounced with the “k” silent.