Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone that tells you money can’t buy happiness, doesn’t know where to shop.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   They should have a restaurant where you can lay down.

   The Poet: Why do you write? he asked. So, I can take my love for you and give it to the world, I reply. Because you won’t take it from me.

   You didn’t notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

   I wonder if we’ll be getting a photo of the person whose student loan we’re paying off?

   2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?

   I like my coffee how I like my magic.

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   The first five days after the weekend are always hard.

   Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

   It’s nice outside, I think I’ll go sit on the patio. (1207 mosquitos like this)

   Monkeypox is pronounced with the “k” silent.

   Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

   I got mood poisoning, must have been something I hate.

   Ladies, love your man like them bi!ches in your head do.

   Girls can’t find their hair ties but can remember what you said 7 months ago at 6:40pm.

   I’m not a biologist, but I know what a woman is.

   Fact checkers: He didn’t say that, and if he did he didn’t mean it, and if he did you don’t understand it, and if you did it’s not a big deal, and if it is, it’s taken out of context, at least mean orange man gone.