Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the girl told me she loves baby showers so I jizzed on her face totally misunderstood

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   + me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.

   It doesn't matter how much you shout and yell at appliances they never listen to you!!!!

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.

   You dont have to be a mule to be an ass

   What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?...........Bindair Dundat

   I feel bad for people who didn't party in college and got D's... what a waste.

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   I eat alot of king sized candy bars. Not because I like alot of candy, but because I'm of a royalty.

   who else is mad that it's 2011 and we still don't have hover boards and flying cars?

   thinking...almost 70 years ago the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. Come this Sunday the US Women's soccer team is going to torpedo Japan!

   "Women are like cell phones, they love to be held, they love to be talked to, but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected,"!

   Since this is the last time for the space shuttle, I think we should all dress up as extras from Planet of the Apes when they land

   Why didn't Tigger have any friends?....Becaue he played with Pooh....

   What happened to the good old days when words never hurt people