Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's more important. The prick of the roses or the prick giving them. . .

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   They say a man's "member" can be gauged by the size of their feet. That maybe why my sister dates clowns.

   Research has suggested that the internet has made us less intelligent and less patient. I don't understand that so I'm moving on.

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??

   I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.

   eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson