Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   Dance like your hot cousin is watching.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea

   What's more important. The prick of the roses or the prick giving them. . .

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   They say a man's "member" can be gauged by the size of their feet. That maybe why my sister dates clowns.

   Research has suggested that the internet has made us less intelligent and less patient. I don't understand that so I'm moving on.

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??

   I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.

   eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.