Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.

   I've got two tickets to Crazy Town. Who wants one?

   Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!

   Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon

   It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.

   If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !

   Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.

   Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila. Perhaps it's time to try both....

   Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.

   Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing.

   wants you to know that he has decided to accept you as you are, that does not necessarily mean that he has completely given up on you amounting to something someday.....

   Being a baby would be fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours..THAT seems like fun.

   You’d be in good shape.…if you ran as much as your mouth.

   Some @$$ hole licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.