Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila. Perhaps it's time to try both....

   Diet Dedication: When the chicken on your Subway salad kinda tastes like fish, but you eat it anyways because worse comes to worst, you'll just lose a few more pounds.

   Oh I so enjoy reading on weekend nights on things that I could have been doing.

   wants you to know that he has decided to accept you as you are, that does not necessarily mean that he has completely given up on you amounting to something someday.....

   Being a baby would be fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours..THAT seems like fun.

   You’d be in good shape.…if you ran as much as your mouth.

   Some @$$ hole licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   "I'm sorry" and "My bad" mean the same thing unless you're at a funeral.

   Please dont let Lifetime tell Prince's story... After what they did to Aliyah and Whitney....

   All music is dance music if you're bored enough.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive squirrel?

   Ladies, if you want a guy to look at your face instead of your chest, eat a banana.

   Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

   Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.

   "The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words, 'Who in the hell is knocking on my door at this hour?'

   Nothing has held me back in life more than not knowing which U.S. National Park I am. If only there was a way to find out.

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   Pretty sure most 9 month olds are doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind our backs.

   Every single time I have fallen into the gorilla cage, the zoo workers shot at me!!!