Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   After all these years, I think I figured out Victoria’s Secret.... She’s hungry.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   If you could travel in time, show up at the appropriate moments throughout history and smother heinous characters’ in their cribs, would you do it?

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

   Knowledge is like underwear; it is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

   There are two kinds of nerds: May the force be, - equal to mass times acceleration.

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   Life is soup, I am fork.

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   Dumped a pack of M&M’s in my mask and I’m slowly eating them like a horse.

   Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

   Twitter employees are in a panicked full blown public meltdown.

   Our institution is a greedy piglet that suckles the taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify