Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student...

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Aw, this is nice. Today is Be An Angel Day. And they all laughed at me when I said this harp would come in handy one day. Who's laughing now, huh?! So, um, yeah, be excellent to each other today, k?

   Dear Smiley Face, can you take your quote and shove it up where the sun dont smile.

   Dear whoever is reading this; You are an amazing human being, never forget that.

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   Never beg a person for something that someone else is willing to give you.

   Twinkle - Twinkle little slut, name one person you havent f*cked!

   Thanks you NATO, USA, UK and everyone else who helped us in our fight to oust the Gadhafi the dictator. - LIBYAN PEOPLE

   I am a member of NSS( National Sarcastic Society).Our motto:"Like we Need your approval"

   Every time someone says "Stop" I'm always in two minds, should I respond with "Collaborate and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention" or "Hammer Time!"...?

   Where's Waldo? (Er....Gadhafi..)