Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

   I'm 'when Hanson came out I thought the drummer was a hot girl' years old.

   Keep your cats close and your other cats closer

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.

   I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.

   I just love Cinemax late at night , don't you?

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Go to the gym, else instagram will run out of business

   My parents think I'm bad, but if they saw how half my friends treat their parents, they'd appreciate me more.