Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   Happy Mothers Day, the day after

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!

   DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.

   Just because you had an arugment doesn't mean you are fighting. Frickin' dramatic people!

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   Living with someone means sex on demand. Is the myth.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!