Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   Just because you had an arugment doesn't mean you are fighting. Frickin' dramatic people!

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   Living with someone means sex on demand. Is the myth.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!

   Woke up in the middle of my sleep.Only thing that's keeping my neighbor's barking dog alive now is that I'm still sleepy.

   Note to all guys out there...when your GF ask's you "do these pants make me look fat?". Pretty sure there isn't a right answer to this and you can definately cross off "I don't think we should blame the pants"!

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Why can't the world come to Peace rather than Pieces?