Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...

   Quick question.... Who gets all of Gadhafi's cool sunglasses when they catch him?

   Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking... is right.

   Every Indian right now is a cricket analyst !

   I love when people post "whats going on tonight!" or "text me with plans" if your friends need reminded to text you with plans you have no friends.

   I hope my kid's take God to school with them !!

   Recycling old ones doesn't make them good, or original... AC... and everyone else posting unoriginal stuff. Now run along, before I get deleted for this one, while your recycled crap stays. Cheers :)

   My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student...

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Aw, this is nice. Today is Be An Angel Day. And they all laughed at me when I said this harp would come in handy one day. Who's laughing now, huh?! So, um, yeah, be excellent to each other today, k?

   Dear Smiley Face, can you take your quote and shove it up where the sun dont smile.

   Dear whoever is reading this; You are an amazing human being, never forget that.

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   If your girl gives you a "choice" preceded by an option, the option is really your only choice.

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.