Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....

   Taylor Swift doesn't necessarily need 10 Grammy awards, when we have starving artists like Kanye West.

   It's weird to think that before Facebook and social media all these dumb thoughts stayed in people's heads = But that's none of my business.

   Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   Minding my business and leaving yours alone.

   A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.

   Teens these days don't know how lucky they are to have song lyrics sites. We used to sing stuff wrong for years until the truth destroyed us with weekly therapy sessions.

   Ants kill 30 people every year. Marijuana is safer than ants.

   Food Digger: (noun) A female who dates, establishes and maintains relationships with a man with a sole purpose to eat, and get food at someone elses expense. Please don't got confused with a gold digger.

   Job Hunting Tip: Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   Or you could just reword a meme we all saw.

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   English Lesson: Allow me to put my dangling participle in your dipthong.

   I love eating ice soup the day before every pay day.

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....