Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   Every post since the school shooting: [outrage] [your personal agenda] [hashtag catchy slogan]

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?