Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

   Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account

   My hats off to all the guys who only have AM radio in their work trucks...yeah I'm listening to Merle Haggard also!

   Holy Crap!!!....That was just CRAZY!!!.....Oh well.....Hey folks.new cooking tip 101;-When making beer can chicken.....make sure chicken is dead before inserting can of beer!!..Let me repeat:MAKE SURE CHICKEN IS DEAD BEFORE INSERTING CAN OF BEER!!!!!....

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

   That feeling when a booger shoots out your nose and you don't know where it landed.

   Do you think when a clown climaxes, he shoots out silly string?

   I think I'll dump my coffee on my head...it'll work faster.

   do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.

   Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person