Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will women ever learn? You cant go on hunting for a new man when you still have pictures of your ex all over your albums. Get rid of that sh*t first.

   missing piece on apple's logo is steve jobs...!!!

   Always be upfront with your feelings and not lead people on.

   A chick just posted as her status "Which celebrity would like to have sex with right now? :D".....Apparently, saying "Amy Winehouse" is a good way to get deleted and blocked. :P

   GUY IN MALL: "Would you like to improve your balance and try this balance bracelet?" ME: "No thank you. I have toes."

   If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."

   I hope Eagles fans loaded up on batteries to throw at the hurricane, lol Philadelphia fans lol......

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Big Pool Party Going On Saturday Night,Through Sunday.Hosted By Hurricane Irene..Music By:Raindrops,Thunder,Wind&Guest Apperence By Lightning.This Gonna Get Crazy Get Your Life Jackets.

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   Watching hurricane reporter standing in the surf. The weirdness in me is waiting for a shark to get him. Sorry.......

   Marc Anthony: "Let it rain over me!" R. Kelly: "Are you sure?"

   no those jeans don't make your a55 look big...it's your a55 that make those jeans look small.

   If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called the local strip club to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out.

   Camping. Camping? Listen up Mr. and Mrs.Field and Stream...My idea of roughing it is a Motel 6 with no cable.

   The best way to make somebody remember you is,borrow money from them..

   Never trust a skinny chef

   pull out the umbrella... somebody just rained on my parade

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.