Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   My back just cracked to the beat of "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You". It finally got me...

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   Wanna feel like a female porn star? Aggressively open a Yoplait under your nose.

   Stuttering's cool if you think of it as a drumroll for your sentence!

   The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?

   I refuse to believe there's enough happiness in the world to justify anyone sticking magnetic daisies on their car.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.

   If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a father it's just because the kids say they don't want any bacon, make 2 extra slices, because they are lying.

   I got blown out in my Fantasy Hurricane League this weekend

   What do Apple and the US economy have in common now? No Jobs

   Hurricane Irene is like Paris Hilton ...in the news all the time despite not doing much and has gone down on the entire east coast

   I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while. B

   Watching CNN coverage of Irene, reporter is standing holding on for dear life... ready to fall over from the wind... 75lb. girl walks by with her ipod on walking her dog and not even off balance. AMERCIA at its best!

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine the mission.

   Don't you hate it when people talk sh!t on Facebook? Internet Gangsters

   One of my first jobs job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

   If You Wake Me Up, & I Dont Get Angry. . . You Must Be Pretty Special

   You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you