Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough.

   My wife likes it doggie style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson