Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sad to report, that counting down very quickly does NOT speed up the microwave.

   having a one night stand.......because all my furniture has been repossesed and I've got nowhere to sit or rest!

   Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during bad times… To know who our best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album…

   Get out of the basement and enjoy your day, nerds, for tommorrow we're drinking Tequila and kicking your a$$e$!!

   Ugh, I hate my voice on tape. It always sound so r@cist.

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   Glad the Facebook IPO finally gave Zuckerburg enough money to buy...sorry! I meant find, the mail order bride he always wanted.

   Hey people that make socks..can you make them so they last more then 3 times worn..!

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   "Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.

   I've been married for "the only way to get my wife to scream in bed is to fart in my sleep" years.

   If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.

   According to Monster.com there is a ton of openings in the Baltimore department tourism.

   It's gonna ba Manny Vs Money tonight....

   *Playing Go-Fish" with a Vegan* ME: Do you have any Sixes? V: I'm a Vegan.

   The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.