Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

   The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.

   If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.

   You know you're getting older when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

   Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

   Life is really just a big game of pushing the trash down until the next person gives in and takes it out.

   Hey, Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   How did people know when Edison got the idea for the lightbulb? If it didn't exist yet, you wouldn't see a lightbulb above him that he just had an idea

   Someone should make a electric car company called "Edison" to compete with Tesla

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He must be smarter than me.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   DreTec Funny Conundrum

   Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   My teacher told me "i think you have trouble comprehending words, so I said to her "i don't even know what that means"