Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

   When people ask, “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the yard.

   When you’re condemned daily, yet you continue because you’re as dense as a mud flap.

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   Your cat is a “see you in tea.”

   “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   If you get white milk from white cows, chocolate milk from brown cows, where does pink milk come from?

   When a woman laughs during an argument, the psycho part of her brain has just been activated. Abort mission.

   If he drinks his whiskey straight, he’ll do that thing you like.

   Today is the day, I can feel it. I will catch my tail. ~ Dog

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   After all these years, I think I figured out Victoria’s Secret.... She’s hungry.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   If you could travel in time, show up at the appropriate moments throughout history and smother heinous characters’ in their cribs, would you do it?

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.