Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.

   Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.

   Shadows give the coolest advice.

   Every time my kids ask for help with their math homework, I play dead

   The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.

   That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up.

   Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.

   You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

   I'm just here because real life won't have me.

   Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.

   adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.

   Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.

   True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line.

   omawho ??

   The next time I hear cheerleaders scream out 'give me a D!'

   I can't believe I haven't ruined somebody's day yet.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.

   todays weather 4-6 bottles of beer changing over to a large pizza iwith lots of cheese and pepperoni

   In dog beers, I've only had 1