Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?

   Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.

   Science can't figure out whether an egg is good or bad for you, let alone accurately prove how the universe formed or evolution.

   Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home

   America is the greatest country on Earth and we'll nuke the $hit out of anyone who says otherwise.

   Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   Towel-heads are at it again.

   Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up.

   I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...

   Guys like YOU. Ruin girls like HER. So she can't put her trust in ME.

   Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.