Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?
←Rate | 03-20-2015 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome
←Rate | 03-30-2015 14:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.
←Rate | 05-17-2015 09:09 by IPLSPORTS Comments (0)  


   messageicon My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.
←Rate | 05-21-2015 10:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.
←Rate | 05-28-2015 12:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.
←Rate | 10-09-2014 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.
←Rate | 11-10-2014 13:33 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Science can't figure out whether an egg is good or bad for you, let alone accurately prove how the universe formed or evolution.
←Rate | 12-19-2013 06:06 by Mc Fazzerino Comments (1)  


   messageicon Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home
←Rate | 02-03-2014 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon America is the greatest country on Earth and we'll nuke the $hit out of anyone who says otherwise.
←Rate | 02-04-2014 10:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
←Rate | 02-12-2014 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Towel-heads are at it again.
←Rate | 06-26-2015 10:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up.
←Rate | 11-14-2015 10:41 by @blackberrybrenden Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.
←Rate | 09-16-2013 00:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*
←Rate | 10-19-2013 13:11 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.
←Rate | 04-25-2014 18:09 by migasjoe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...
←Rate | 11-29-2011 18:04 by @beaubridwell Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys like YOU. Ruin girls like HER. So she can't put her trust in ME.
←Rate | 12-13-2011 23:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
←Rate | 11-07-2011 18:45 by NJS Comments (0)  




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