Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.

   I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.

   T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.

   i knew The Kardashians.we going to screw us up. look what it did too Bruce!!! freaking 0.j.

   I think Miley Cyrus is jsut using her pop career as a spring board to her career as a washed up has been.

   Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents

   Chill with the snow pics folks. It's fcuking winter. It's supposed to be cold.

   to the lady in the office complaining about her man.... you can't spell MANAGEMENT without MANAGE MEN. if you can't manage 1 guy don't expect a promotion to be in charge of 10 men

   Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?

   Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.

   Science can't figure out whether an egg is good or bad for you, let alone accurately prove how the universe formed or evolution.

   Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home

   America is the greatest country on Earth and we'll nuke the $hit out of anyone who says otherwise.

   Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   Towel-heads are at it again.