Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.

   Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.