Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to Hawaii. I'm so excited. I havent been there since the last time I was there.

   If after many drinks she still looks ugly put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   Life and Wife are two similar words ..... but if you have one, you can't have the other!!!

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   24 million would lose coverage under Trumpcare. But on the bright side... um...er...um... BENGHAZI!!!

   Obama has disgraced the memory of the black U.S. presidents that came before him.

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Never try to reason with a person who wants to save every stray animal alive but is fine with killing 3,000 babies a day...

   DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds

   At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

   konws taht you can raed tihs sutats jsut fnie and you tuhohgt I was tolaltly dnruk lkie lsat tmie.

   No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.

   some people are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk!!!!!

   getting OLDER remembers when he needed glasses to see blackboard , NOW he needs them to see SCHOOL !!!

   If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   I didnt forget, I just didnt remember.

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....