Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)

   Never fall asleep around potheads...I woke up and had a forehead drawn on my peter...

   Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............

   How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)

   when vehicles start running on water, the world would be at Peace...

   "Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh

   Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

   Dear Vampires and Werwolves ..if your looking for virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.

   Dont be suprised if a big fat man comes down your chimney and puts you in a black sack.. I told him I want you for Christmas.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!

   .When the doctor said that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, I actually saw a tear roll down the palm of my hand

   It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   I was delivered by C-section. I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..