Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   face down ass up thats the way i..................................................................................tie my shoes...nasties what were ya thinking?

   Long live the Spork!

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   theres no I in gangbang

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   Congrats to Hugh Hefner on your recent engagement. And thank you sir for showing us naked photos of the women you've banged since 1953.

   Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

   obviously sitting here staring at my computer screen waiting for a notification to suddenly pop up so I can have a moment of excitement.....i need a life!!!

   Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

   I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.

   - David Cameron says `Your country needs you` ....... No David , this country needs you to Fu@k Off ! You posh wanker ...

   Condoms aren't safe at all. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

   I just saved a bunch of money on toilet paper by shaving my a$$hole.

   Today is another dsy where people get religious om Facebook but live like heathens most all the other time...

   What the world doesn't realise is that North Korea is not only threatening USA but the world at large. Nuclear weapons contaminate the whole world.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so..... Now help me load this drum kit.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.