Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All Slip and Fall classes will be cancelled after the Inauguration.

   If you're constantly sharing old memories on Facebook, does that mean you can't let go of your past?

   Happy Trumpmas Eve!

   "Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife

   what? Donald Trump is the president??? (people without internet)

   I don't get why all these people are saying "Not My Precedent!" Do they share a shameful past?

   Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable

   If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?

   Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras?

   Beyonce should really stick it to Trump by going ahead with the abortion

   Sure, Lady Gaga just put on an amazing show, but she's no 3 Doors Down.

   Don't blame me, I voted for Calvin Coolidge.

   The only way you can get a like from some of the chicks is to take a picture of them while they are standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of themselves while they are looking thru an album of previous selfies taken earlier that day.

   They say"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Well I have been alive a long time and had 2 near death experiences and I have not gained an ounce in muscles yet.

   NEWS UPDATE: Donald J. Trump has dropped Mexico, China and Iran from his enemies list and added the 9th Circuit Court and Nordstrom.

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working tomorrow. They're the real heroes!

   Wow. Dramatic drop in crime today.

   Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.