Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say

   Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.

   I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner

   My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

   Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...