Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

   What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

   Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say