Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so straight that I eat my Hotdog from the middle

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It ...... Well Played, Waldo ... . Well Played.

   Donald Trump is not and will NEVER be my President!!!!! ...... I'm from Guatemala

   Wow, Donald Trump brought the unemployment rate down to 4.6% just by being elected.....

   Felt good to get back to work after the long holiday and get back to my regular pooping schedule.

   Later this year the "Thank you tour" will be making its way through Europe

   But in my defense if a girl yelling please don't come yet wants me to last longer she should probably try reverse psychology

   Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?

   No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.

   Getting tired of seeing her updated Facebook selfies again for the 20th time today....

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   "With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.

   Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.

   Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.

   I was going to wish merry christmas to all of the women that accused Trump of groping but I cant find them.

   Gold, frankinsence and myrrh. I may not be as wise as the 3 Wise Men, but I would have brought the baby Jesus a Lite Brite.

   I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.