Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May your clothes be comfy. your coffee strong and your Monday short.

   Just saw a bumper sticker saying, "My Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" I may not be worldly, but I have never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   With a great @$$ come a lot of eyeballs

   One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car

   My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers

   We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :)

   If I'm ever arrested..my 1 call will be to the police station to tell them about a bomb scare. No way I'm staying there.

   I wonder how many Turkeys the President will Pardon this year?

   if you burn the turkey, just tell the family they're eating blackbird

   Theres a really good chance I'm gonna touch some breast today.

   Happy Trumpsgiving.....

   My wife and girlfriend met, they don't need me anymore ;)

   silly true fact :'a woman is more responsive to romance when her stomach is full.'

   Fidel Castro dies at 90.

   A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

   Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

   The Brad and Angelina situation is hard to take. For starters -- it ruins my hopes of one day being adopted by them.

   I can never tell when one someone pokes me right back on facebook if they're really into me or has major OCD.

   Ladies, unless you really want to bang me, please stop poking me if you're not going to follow through. . .