Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?

   Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.

   Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep

   I believe snakes would hate humans a lot less if they knew the world's first mobile game is dedicated to them

   None of us really knows anything about Stormy Daniels other than her first pet's name was Stormy & she grew up on Daniels street.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.

   It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.

   a bisexual a person who pays for sex?

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp

   U failed Physics chemistry in High school and now you have the guts to comment with 'K' on my posts.What exactly do you know about *Potassium*....?

   Just got back from Australia and realized I forgot to change the setting on my camera and now all my pictures are upside down.

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.

   My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives at the Travis Scott concert. It must be terrible to find out that your kids were into rap music.

   My wife clips coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

   I want to play a video game but there's no channel 3 on my computer. That's how old I am.

   I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

   What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?