Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Trump, if you want to tax something, tax luxury cars, rolex's diamonds, etc. Regular people can't afford another gas tax.

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.

   Being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also a way of losing calories

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.

   Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?

   Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower

   Like if you ever got charged for not rewinding a VHF tape

   I don't like WcDonald's....I prefer Mendy's

   I don't run from my problems.i sit on the couch,play with my phone,and ignore them like all other adults.

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.

   Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.