Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.

   No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.

   It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”

   No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.

   The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..

   No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno

   I've only drank once since I quit drinking an hour ago

   ☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Beer

   Trump Winning? Looks like back to the kitchen Hilary, here's your spatula

   In the event that trump wins tonight I'm offering marriage for Canadian citizenship. Opening bid to start st $50,000.

   Hey .... Anybody know the name of a good Psychiatrist? .... Whoah ... For the loser .... Not for me!! ... The Loser of the American Presidential election.

   Well it's official; Reality TV has completely destroyed America

   I don't know whether to be angry with or jealous of my facebook friends who seem to have absolutely zero idea that an election took place.

   Anyone want to bet we dont see much out of BLM anymore?

   I'm a simple man, I see titties I click

   I just introduced a guy wearing a hoodie with shorts, to a guy wearing a vest... They're fighting... Umm Wait,, That's actually making out, they're making out.

   My favorite dinosaurs were the carbivores... You never hear about them because they went extinct before the others,,, You know cuz,, like all the gluten and such...

   So, Trump tells us to stop harrassing minorities, yesterday, on 60 Minutes. His wish is my command.

   #Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.