Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?

   Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower

   Like if you ever got charged for not rewinding a VHF tape

   I don't like WcDonald's....I prefer Mendy's

   I don't run from my problems.i sit on the couch,play with my phone,and ignore them like all other adults.

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.

   Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.

   Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....

   Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli

   Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.

   somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze

   My comfort zone is always southern

   {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

   My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.