Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bin Laden, Gadaffi, Saddam, and Maliki are part of the occupy Hell movement.

   I have given up on browsing online dating websites and have moved on to the SPCA Cat Adoptions page instead.

   Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven after Lucifer's rebellion?

   My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.

   Just picked up a Rubiks cube, see ya in a couple years

   Hang on sugar.... Daddys got a sweet tooth tongiht!!!

   A Real Man doesn't love a million girls, he loves a billion.

   Don't you think it's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   will work for a status.